The Pollution Around A Noble Thought

A friend of mine had an interesting conversation with her father. It started with he telling her that the family was looking for a suitable partner for her elder brother, and a little while later, it got to a point where he said,

"Yes, nothing wrong with working women, but what is the need after all? Your brother is competent enough to provide for both of them."

If you're a feminist, your first reaction might be one of disgust or fury. But if you are a rational thinker, you would admit that there is nothing factually incorrect about the statement (I presume we can take the dad's word for the potential bridegroom's competence).

If one partner can provide for the family, both do not need to work.

[The keyword is "need".]

I seek to be both, a feminist and a rational thinker. Indeed, the two go very comfortably together. Feminism does not have to be a struggle or a fight with one's own self. It's usually a struggle only with others who have not bothered to think rationally for a while. Feminism also does not mean that men and women are the same, they simply are not. It means they are not to be discriminated on grounds that are not related to their intrinsic differences.

If I were to go by the most commonplace perception of feminism, I would always laud women over men. I would slap every boy looking at me, I would shout at every older man for judging me for the way I dress, I would demand a seat in the Metro every time I ride. I would demand equal pay whether or not I work equally, I would tear down celebrities for their remarks or opinions, I would most certainly learn to swear like a mustanda I tell you!

Feminism is not only a movement that you long to be a part of, it is not only a battle that you seek to earn medals for. It is not only a badge that you wear as a status symbol, it is not only a billboard for your awareness or recent reading.

So much for what it isn't.

But so often, the rationale behind feminism gets quite lost in all the muck and misandry that it doesn't represent.

Feminism is not about hating men. Feminism is not about preferring women over men. Feminism is not about worshipping women. Feminism is not about shouting at anyone who does not shriek about being a feminist. Feminism is not about putting women in jobs that they are not qualified for. Feminism is not about gagging men if they seek to point out a flaw in a woman even if they see her only as a person.

Why is it so difficult to just say what it is about !? I keep returning to what it isn't about, instead.

Because feminism is such a beautifully simple and clear thought that not everyone can get it.

Consider two facts:

1. Men and women are different in some ways. For example, having a baby. I would absolutely never choose a man if I needed a surrogate mother. I would also never ever choose a woman if I needed a sperm donation. I hope there is no controversy attached with this.
2. Men and women need not be different in some ways. For example, intellect. There are countless examples in history to prove that both men and women are capable of stupidity.

Feminism is about discerning which differences are spurious, and hence, which distinctions are unnecessary.

Someone I know had a baby a year ago. When she felt she was ready to work again, she applied to various firms for jobs. She repeatedly faced the same questions during interviews:

• "Do you have a baby?"
• "What are your responsibilities as a mother?"
• "What are your responsibilities as a daughter-in-law?"
• "Who cooks at home?"
• "How can you cope with both home life and work life?"

She also repeatedly faced rejections because, I speculate, she was unwilling to lie about her life. She once asked her interviewer after a similar tirade, "If my husband was applying instead, would you have asked him the same questions?" and she says the interviewer smiled (I wonder why!) and said, "Didn't you yourself admit you have responsibilities as a mother?" They chose a man for the job instead. I don't even wonder if he was asked such questions.

You know how this story ends. Now she is an underpaid employee at another firm. Her husband is competent enough to provide for all three of them, yet he supported and encouraged her in her quest for a career all the way. The sad thing is, it eventually didn't matter that he chose to work from home to look after his daughter, so that his wife could work at an office. After all, whether or not someone asked him, he also had responsibilities as a father. They have worked out a balanced system for taking care of their child, a balance so natural that it is probably surreal for contemporary society. 

Who is to walk the extra mile to set men and women right in their heads about what does not count as a good enough reason to discriminate? This movement is of our times, we walk it together. Everyone stands to gain when a wrong is righted, regardless of the gender of the victim. But lately, raising a cry has become synonymous with taking a step forward. It most emphatically is not. Especially when you do it with a flawed understanding of what you're talking about.

When my friend's father innocently said, "What's the need?", she didn't take it up as an offense. She didn't take it up as a challenge or a mission either. She was not looking to fight with her father. She simply said, "What was the need for you to have aspirations for me?" And it worked. Her father had always encouraged her to study and work, why wouldn't he understand, after all?